Seminary

PLTS is an exciting place. I live in an apartment building in the heart of Berkeley, with 38 other seminarians and their roommates. Having now been here a month, I have become accustomed to living this lifestyle. I enjoy eating organic fruits and veggies, growing our own strawberries, taking in the view of the Golden gate, and starting a conversation with anyone I see.
I love the idea of this place. The spirit of PLTS is universally joyful. A midst of this happy life-style, there are some things that are bugging me.

1. Nobody's perfect. It sounds so simple, but ever since I got here I've been putting everyone else here up on a pedestal. There is something magical about people who are giving up their lives to go to seminary. And yet, I keep stupidly being reminded that these people aren't perfect. We gossip, we slack off, and we annoy each other. I found myself slowly slipping into judgment about people. I am not a judgemental person, so I was quite surprised when I started making assumptions about others. It's really weird. I know that I rarely make a good first impression, so I find it odd that I was expecting so much from the people around me. I really like my fellow seminarians and I continue to learn from them.

2. It is a funny thing- change.
Did you know that people can change? Often we don't think about actively changing ourselves, we just daydream about being different. I feel a change coming over me. I feel like I can be more honest about who I am and what I want. I feel like being away from my family has allowed me to shake off the old ideas about who and what I am (i.e. Daniel is not a good student, Daniel could never learn a foreign language, Daniel is lucky). And yet, some things about me seem less like change in my heart and more of a change in location. Me in a different context is a different me. The beauty about growing older is that you become less oppressed. If I were still in High School, I'd probably still be skipping school and not caring. If I were still working at Desert Cross, I'd probably be talking trash and taking a relaxed attitude about life. I have averaged 9.5 hours of sleep per night over the past 3 years. My point is, I am happy to be in a new place, with new people. I'm happy to reinvent myself. I am thankful to have a God in my life who welcomes new beginnings.

3. Missing people is hard to deal with.
What do you do when you miss people? Do you call them everyday? Do you reminisce about the old times or work to make new ones? Should you tell people you miss them or just let them assume? Should you tell the new people you are with how much you miss the old people? Is it OK to miss people you wish you'd spent more time with? What if you miss people more than they miss you?

4. Faith is really like shifting sand.
Some days I feel like God is everywhere. Most days I feel like this religion is lame. When you spend all day in class finding out all the crazy things that have happened over the course of Christian history, and you realize how silly religion is, in general, it is hard to have faith. When you approach life using your experiences, and you cannot quote God directly as having talked to you, it's hard to consider that a conversation. Do I have faith? Probably. I always have, why stop now? But when I'm really honest with myself, I see more flaws with faith than I do real tangibility. I believe in love. I believe in ethics. I believe in Karma. I believe in Jesus, and the words that he teaches us. I believe in sin. Is that the same as the Apostles' creed? Hardly. Is it the same as what Luther would say? Nope. I feel lost in a world that I really like living in- and the best way I can describe it is that life's a mystery. I'm getting a masters degree in mystery. What is yet to be decided is whether or not it will be more useless than my degree in Theatre.

I don't mean to sound so cynical. I just mean to be honest. I'm 25 years old and I'm quite used to giving answers that sound good. What I'm coming to find out is that things that sound good aren't intrinsically good. Truth is based on interpretation, and love is a harder row to hoe than advertised.